the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
