Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
