Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
