there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
