Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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