genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
