if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
How does one acquire holy water?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
