thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
