i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
two words...techno handjob
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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