If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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