I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
