My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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