I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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