He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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