I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
