maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
