I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize