i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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