do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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