she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
