my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
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She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
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All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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