garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
