You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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