he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
