I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
