Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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