my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
