Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
