if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize
