I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
