You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
