Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
