i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
