why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
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the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
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Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
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Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life