Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
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I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
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Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.