You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
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There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.