at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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