Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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