Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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