girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
