I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
