I wanna passion pit in your ass
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
