i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
