Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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