No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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