I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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