dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You left your underwear on the fireplace
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I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize