Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
