I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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