I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
