listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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