Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
