There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Randomize