I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
