so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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